Think back, I’m sure we can all recall the first time you heard the “N” word. We were young and probably could not understand why our “friend” or another child was calling us something other than our name? Indeed we may have even thought that they were speaking to someone else, certainly they were not speaking to us? But all memories aside, what do you do when you hear this word for the first time, what do we tell our kids?
Hearing a hurtful word like that for the first time can be a very confusing and upsetting experience for our children. No, to keep it real, it’s upsetting for the parent! But loosing our cool is not wise, so we know what we don’t want to do, but what can we do? Here is a humble suggestion of some approaches we can consider, we can turn a negative into a positive by focusing on validation, education, and reassurance.
1. Validate Their Feelings and Ensure Safety
Start by focusing on the child not the bad actor and get them to talk about their immediate feelings. Here are some examples,
• “That sounds like it must have been a really confusing and painful thing to hear. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
• “You did nothing wrong. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused right now. I want you to know that I am here, and we are going to talk through this together.”
• Actionable Step: Give them a hug or hold them close. Physical comfort is often the most important first step.
2. Explain the Word’s History (Age Appropriately)
Explain in simple terms that the word is not a description of them, but a reflection of a painful history and the person who used it.
• “It’s a word that tries to hurt people just because of the color of their skin. It has no truth or power unless we give it power.”
• “People who use that word are choosing to be cruel and are showing that they don’t understand or respect others. It says something bad about THEM, not about YOU.”
3. Reiterate Their Value and Identity
Now time to redirect with the truth, black IS beautiful. Our history is rich of intellect, achievement and beauty. Our history does not start in slavery and end in civil rights but Africa, Egypt with the pyramids and its still being written today with you and I in every action we take.
• “That word has nothing to do with how wonderful, smart, and kind you are. You are loved, you are strong, and your skin is beautiful.“
• “While we cannot control who uses that word or any other we don’t have to give it power by letting it affect us, dismiss it, it has no regard for the truth”. “It’s as if someone says your fat and you are skinny, you would disregard them, so disregard this, it is not true.”
4. Discuss How to Respond (Empowerment)
Give them a few simple, safe, and effective examples of what to do if they hear it again.
• Option 1 (The Power Move): “The best thing you can do is walk away. You do not need to fight, argue, or even respond. They are looking for a reaction, and by ignoring them and walking away, you take their power.”
• Option 2 (The Adult Help): “If you are at school or somewhere else, go straight to a trusted teacher, principal, or adult, and tell them exactly what was said.”
• Option 3 (The Affirmation): Teach them a simple affirmation to say to themselves when they hear it: “I am great. That word is wrong.”
Always leave the door open for our children to talk to us about this or anything else. For example, we can conclude by saying, “we will always talk about things like this. If anyone ever says anything that makes you feel bad, you come talk to me. We are a family, and we love each other.”
What do you think, comment below.
Would you like to explore some resources for finding age-appropriate books that discuss race and identity? I wrote one, Cherub-The Human Race, check it out it helps!
Jacqueline Levermore is a mom and author of Cherub- The Human Race. When she is not busy writing she enjoys singing, exercising and reading.